Words by Brooke Papp
They say that everyone grieves differently. There is the obvious sadness, and of course all the other emotions - denial, anger, bargaining... acceptance. I have felt all of those and seems like more, but I can finally say I am reaching acceptance. Finally.
When we first lost the baby, I felt numb. I felt guilt because we hadn’t been trying and so many people try! And sometimes fail! And were we ready? I mean we haven’t gone here or there yet. And then we like our alone time, right? And then I complained when I was pregnant. I was so tired, I felt crappy all the time. The night we found out - the two tests were positive - I sobbed for what seemed like hours.
Did I will this to happen? Did I cause this miscarriage? Did I not appreciate this miracle as much as I should have?
Once the shock settled and we saw our little baby on that monitor just 4 days later, we melted. We were so very happy.
I have been trying for over two months to wrap my brain around my emotions. I have such hard days and I don’t know where they come from, or why they rush in at times when I really don’t have time for the sadness. And then I have days where I don’t think about it at all - multiple days in a row, maybe. It’s little things that just set me off and I get angry and emotional and selfish.
I am fully aware that I am lucky to have gotten pregnant at all. I know that is a feat in itself, but the sadness tied to miscarriage is brutal. The self hate is intense - ‘It was my body that failed’. God’s plan or not, that is the case.
The situation and timing were pure crap - we lost the baby the day we were leaving for a two week ‘last hurrah’ trip to Europe. Selfishly, that trip will never be remembered as ‘good,’ let alone ‘great’. I was sad, my husband was heartbroken, and we didn’t fully live in the moment. I would give anything to take that time back or just live it differently.
Upon return, reality set in - I had started to miscarry in Austria and now there were complications - resulting in an emergency D and C. I went in on March 31st first thing in the morning to wake up to a baby-less body.
Yet, after the D and C, I felt better. I truly did. I felt like it was a fresh start. Except the biopsy came back and they found detections of a molar pregnancy which is something I had never heard of. She was throwing terms around and treatments and possibilities. My mind was racing. Then she said ‘chemotherapy’. Wait, what?
It was a strong word and I just lost it - I swore off babies forever, I just couldn't take the risk of going through all this again.
I haven’t been quiet about my miscarriage - and I have gotten such a response that is heartbreaking - no one talks about it. It’s so taboo, and yet it’s so common. Though, hearing it’s common doesn’t ease the pain as much as people would think. I am sorry for them. No one should have to go through this. It’s gut-wrenching. The ‘why’. The extended heartache. It's just all too difficult.
I have been surrounded by so many babies lately. I absolutely adore kids and when I was looking around, I was realizing I was sad and not enjoying the time with them.
I woke up yesterday morning and decided it was time to heal. It’s been almost 3 months since the surgery and it’s just time. That’s kind of how I work. I had had a very tough week, for some reason my emotions were heightened and I was sad and mad and a little (a lot) crazy to my poor husband. I am sure it was the hormones of my (unwanted) monthly cycle. The doctor said it would take some time for my emotions to regulate.
I will never understand God’s plan for this year and how things changed in a 15 minute ultrasound appointment. Or maybe I will - maybe when I meet my future little one, this will all be worth it.
Until then, I want to heal - and I am making a conscious effort to do just that. Someday soon, we will meet our little babe meant just for us.
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Brooke Lindsay is a one - woman boutique social media management company with a knack for unique visuals. She is currently growing her brand in the great city of Los Angeles with her hubs and fur child.