Acceptance After a Miscarriage

coping with miscarriage, acceptance after a miscarriage, from miscarriage to acceptance, stories about miscarriage, women who have had miscarriages, finding hope after miscarriage

Words by Brooke Papp

They say that everyone grieves differently. There is the obvious sadness, and of course all the other emotions - denial, anger, bargaining... acceptance. I have felt all of those and seems like more, but I can finally say I am reaching acceptance. Finally. 

When we first lost the baby, I felt numb. I felt guilt because we hadn’t been trying and so many people try! And sometimes fail! And were we ready? I mean we haven’t gone here or there yet. And then we like our alone time, right? And then I complained when I was pregnant. I was so tired, I felt crappy all the time. The night we found out - the two tests were positive - I sobbed for what seemed like hours. 

Did I will this to happen? Did I cause this miscarriage? Did I not appreciate this miracle as much as I should have? 

Once the shock settled and we saw our little baby on that monitor just 4 days later, we melted. We were so very happy. 

I have been trying for over two months to wrap my brain around my emotions. I have such hard days and I don’t know where they come from, or why they rush in at times when I really don’t have time for the sadness. And then I have days where I don’t think about it at all - multiple days in a row, maybe. It’s little things that just set me off and I get angry and emotional and selfish. 

I am fully aware that I am lucky to have gotten pregnant at all. I know that is a feat in itself, but the sadness tied to miscarriage is brutal. The self hate is intense - ‘It was my body that failed’. God’s plan or not, that is the case. 

The situation and timing were pure crap - we lost the baby the day we were leaving for a two week ‘last hurrah’ trip to Europe. Selfishly, that trip will never be remembered as ‘good,’ let alone ‘great’. I was sad, my husband was heartbroken, and we didn’t fully live in the moment. I would give anything to take that time back or just live it differently. 

Upon return, reality set in - I had started to miscarry in Austria and now there were complications - resulting in an emergency D and C. I went in on March 31st first thing in the morning to wake up to a baby-less body. 

Yet, after the D and C, I felt better. I truly did. I felt like it was a fresh start. Except the biopsy came back and they found detections of a molar pregnancy which is something I had never heard of. She was throwing terms around and treatments and possibilities. My mind was racing. Then she said ‘chemotherapy’. Wait, what? 

It was a strong word and I just lost it - I swore off babies forever, I just couldn't take the risk of going through all this again. 

I haven’t been quiet about my miscarriage - and I have gotten such a response that is heartbreaking - no one talks about it. It’s so taboo, and yet it’s so common. Though, hearing it’s common doesn’t ease the pain as much as people would think. I am sorry for them. No one should have to go through this. It’s gut-wrenching. The ‘why’. The extended heartache. It's just all too difficult. 

I have been surrounded by so many babies lately. I absolutely adore kids and when I was looking around, I was realizing I was sad and not enjoying the time with them. 

I woke up yesterday morning and decided it was time to heal. It’s been almost 3 months since the surgery and it’s just time. That’s kind of how I work. I had had a very tough week, for some reason my emotions were heightened and I was sad and mad and a little (a lot) crazy to my poor husband. I am sure it was the hormones of my (unwanted) monthly cycle. The doctor said it would take some time for my emotions to regulate. 

I will never understand God’s plan for this year and how things changed in a 15 minute ultrasound appointment. Or maybe I will - maybe when I meet my future little one, this will all be worth it. 

Until then, I want to heal - and I am making a conscious effort to do just that. Someday soon, we will meet our little babe meant just for us.

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Brooke Lindsay is a one - woman boutique social media management company with a knack for unique visuals. She is currently growing her brand in the great city of Los Angeles with her hubs and fur child.

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