Editor's Note: We will be following Trinity on her journey through eating disorder recovery as she learns to accept herself and her body. It's our hope to shed light on what this disorder looks like from the inside, as well as to provide support for Trinity through her progress. You'll find Trinity's posts once a month.
Words by Trinity Murray
Almost seven years ago, I was told that the cruel way I treated my body was going to eventually kill me if I kept counting calories and restricting my intake at the rate I had been pushing myself. The day my doctor said to me if I were to continue to do these things to myself, I would not live to see my twenties was the day I decided to defy all odds. Not only did I feel the need to prove her wrong, but to prove absolutely everyone wrong who has ever told me that I couldn’t do something because of my size, my background, or where I come from.
I know now that I should have never punished myself in that way, but at the time and even to this day on occasion it just seems like there is no other way to handle the chaos swirling around out in the real world. One lesson I have yet to truly learn is that you cannot take control of events in life that were never meant for you to control, and you cannot punish yourself when things don’t go as planned. Whatever is meant to happen will happen in the end, and all you can do until that moment is simply live life to the fullest as your authentic self and nothing less.
Most individuals with an eating disorder will at one point or another receive some form of help from a psychologist and group therapy with those in similar situations and supervised meals or something of the sort through a treatment center. It took a very long time without a treatment team like that to help me in my painfully slow journey, but I have always been graced with the most caring and supportive friends who were there for me through every high and every low. Without them, I would not be able to proudly say that this month I will be turning twenty!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have successfully proven the world wrong just as I had intended. But it will not stop there, I promise you. I am not at the healthiest place, but the war isn’t over yet. I fear that it may never be as each day I rise with a new challenge to face a battle I cannot afford to lose. Life is too precious to waste your days wasting away when you could be out exploring places you have yet to discover or learning about the world from a different point of view. Gaining something more meaningful out of each day and losing yourself in adventure rather than losing weight. Sometimes it is better to look at the bigger picture rather than to focus your attention on the little things.
Sure, some days may not be ideal. But if we never live through the darkness, then how would we ever find the light? I am not saying that life is ever easy or fair, but I do know from my struggles that it does not make anything better if you are so hard on yourself that you forget what you were even striving for to begin with. Never lose your sense of self, and never stop counting your blessings. Life is about numbers, but in a completely different way than I had thought some years ago. It isn’t about the number on the scale or the number of crunches you’ve done in a day. Life is not about being number one at anything. It is not about the amount of time you spend in a gym or how many days in a row you’ve been keeping yourself from absorbing valuable nutrients. Life is about being active in the lives of your loved ones. It is about shooting for the moon, landing among the stars, and…without feeling disappointed in yourself…showing pride for how far you’ve come. Life is about the number of memories you have shared with friends and family. It is about how many birthdays you have celebrated (and how many are yet to come). Life is all about the steps you take each day to become a healthier and better you. The "you" you’ve always imagined you could be!
Trinity is a small town girl studying Fashion Design at Kent State University holding onto the hope of becoming a fashion journalist. Though her passion is for fashion, she enjoys good conversation, great books, and lots of coffee.